The Monday Column

Hurrah! My cunning plan of Baldrick-like proportions worked!

What am I talking about, you may ask? Well, in my column last week I criticised Perrin. In fact I slated him. Mercilessly. “Taxi for Perrin!” I shouted from the rooftops, calling for Milan to sack him. I even called the man an idiot (wowa there, you didn’t, did you? You BITCH!).

All this was probably slightly on the harsh side, but there were mitigating circumstances. I was, after all, angry following our second-half capitulation against what looked like an average Charlton side.

I did this full in the knowledge that, if I stuck my neck out and called for extreme action, the players were bound to read it and respond by whipping the Sunderland players’ pathetic little arses. Just bound to.

And they did!

In reality, of course, I am left with a bit of egg on my face. Monsieur Perrin is likely to be in the job a wee bit longer following the result on Saturday, but I must urge all fans who are praising him in the press to be cautious. And did you see some of those letters? They bordered on love letters! Has Reggie started an ‘I love me’ chain letter campaign to the local rags? Is he the one writing them?

Remember - one swallow doesn’t make a summer. And neither does one win make a season, or mask the fact that we are still going to be in relegation trouble this season. I don’t want to be cast in the light of a doom-monger, but that’s the way I see things. I just hope that I am wrong.

By his own admission, Perrin said we were lucky at the Stadium of Light. We were shocking in the first half and lucky to go in only a goal down. Games in the Premiership are won and lost by inches – remember Vukic’s miss against Charlton last week when he only had the keeper to beat? 2-0 then and we would have won. This week Whitehead’s first-half volley missed Ashdown’s left-hand post by inches. Had it gone in we’d have been 2-0 down, the Macums would have been buoyed and I’m sure we would have lost – with devastating implications for confidence levels.

As it was, Sunderland out-Pompeyed Pompey thanks to some Keystone cops defending from Kelvin Davies and Alan Stubbs that let in Taylor to put us 2-1 up – with his right foot.

I knew we were going to be ok when Taylor scored with his right peg. The last time I saw Matty score with this particular appendage was at the Walkers Crisps stadium in our promotion season, where he scored a Jacob’s Cracker of a goal from 25 yards that beat ex-England keeper Ian ‘shit curtains haircut but still got a horny-as-f*ck bird’ Walker all ends up.

I was dead-pleased when that goal went in as I’d been standing 10 feet from a Leicester thug all match who’d been making death threats to me and my mate Marc. I hate Leicester fans as much as I hate Macums.

Hey it’s tangent time! Can anyone tell me if Ian Walker has still got a crap curtains haircut from the early 90s? That would be very sad for a 34-year-old. If he has, can someone write to him to tell him to get a f*cking haircut, the ponce? Actually, does anyone really care? If he’s into music I bet he likes the Pet Shop Boys.

Back to Pompey. In the second half, we apparently had five shots – and we scored from four of them, which is like TOTALLY the opposite to what’s been happening in our season so far. It’s like all the luck that deserted us for the previous 10 or so games came in one go. I’d much rather it was spread out a bit so we could fluke a few 1-0 wins like Wigan seem to be doing.

Ahhhhh, Wigan. Those press favourites from the North West who are led by an ex-Pompey hero at the back, along with a midfield dynamo who should be playing for us and a frontman who was shit in a blue shirt but seems great in a… in a…??? shirt.

Umm, that’s an interesting one, what colour is Wigan’s kit anyone? Whatever colour it is it can’t be as bad as our away kit. But I’m not going there again.

Jason bloody Roberts. What’s all that about then? I mean, he really WAS kack when he played for us, so what odds him having a barn-storming game next weekend? And what odds de Zeuw rising like a salmon from a Francis corner to head home in front of the Fratton End? Put your money on de Zeuw to score the first goal next Saturday, it’s going to be value at around 40-1 surely.

Wigan are due to be rumbled BIG time by someone, because they have been having some outrageous luck of late. Let’s look at the facts.

1 – beating Newcastle 1-0. A great result. Except lucky Wigan concede a cast-iron goal to Shearer that isn’t allowed because the linesman is fucking blind. The tosser.

2 – beating Fulham 1-0. A great result. Except lucky Wigan don’t get their ‘keeper sent off for handballing outside the area as we would have done (or anyone else). Except lucky Wigan, who get a freekick for something totally innocuous in the last minute of added time. Said free kick is then booted craply into the area only for a crap player in Cumbawumba to head tamely across goal and see his pathetic effort creep in thanks to Tony Warner’s crap positioning. Lucky Wigan, for fouling Voltz in the area – defo penalty – only for the f**king CRAP replacement ref with no Premiership experience to book the German for diving! Well, I guess you can forgive a ref for booking a German for diving. Friggin’ Germans.

3 – all their other victories which were bound to be lucky. Yes every bloody single one of them, totally undeserved. Talk about Wigan Warriors. More like Wigan W*nkers.

Yes, Wigan will get found out this weekend when they visit Fortress Fratton! With our new-found Stadium of Light confidence, with Taylor rampant and finally showing the Premiership form we knew he could, with the mighty Gary O’Neil and the now free-scoring hi-ho Silva, you KNOW we’re going to record our first home victory of the season and move up the table into the glorious heights of 13^th or so.

Now, some of you will no doubt be wondering why on earth I have just predicted such an easy victory for us following my admission at the start of this week’s column that Pompey were bound to beat Sunderland after I’d called for Perrin’s head and be overtly critical.

“Do it again!” you may shout.

But alas – Sod’s Law is like lightning. It never strikes twice. If I was to mercilessly criticise Monsieur Perrin again this week, it would be like waving a red rag to a Sod’s Law bull – and we’d get beat by Wigan thanks to refereeing mistake, or something similar. Talking of refs, it had better not be that absolute cretin Dermot Gallacher in charge this weekend. If it is, we really are in trouble.

Which leads me nicely on to my next subject this week, Laurent Robert. Did you see the pic of him on the front of the Sportsmail? I had to laugh when I saw a sod-off huge zit on the side of his face. Go and pop that in the mirror you arrogant twat. And while you’re at it, I hope you accidentally pop your brains out!

Seriously, he’s now apologised, claiming he was confused about whether he was injured or not, or whether Diao was injured, or something similar. Very odd.

I have to give Perrin a big thumbs-up here. By leaving Robert out at the Stadium of Light following his clear lack of respect for authority (following his ‘team meeting), he has clearly shown who is boss. Perrin might have made some glaring mistakes in his management of the team against Charlton, but he’s got this one right, so fair play and credit where it’s due.

In fact, our two most impressive performances this season as far as I’m aware have come without Laurent in the team – against Newcastle, who we spanked 0-0 (!) and against Sunderland.

So, Monsieur Perrin, if you want more credit from me leave the moody Laurent out this weekend too and give Taylor the attacking role he obviously loves. He’s good enough to do it as you have seen.

Finally, older fans will remember the cartoon Rupert the Bear, which featured some weird talking badgers and other gay-looking animals. So, how’s about this for a chant at Fratton this weekend to the tune of ‘Rupert the Bear’?

‘LAU-RENT, LAURENT ROBERT, NOBODY KNOWS HIS NAME… AND NOBODY CARES…’

Until he sticks in a 35-yard free-kick. Then it will be, ‘f*ckin’ top quality, that Robert……!’