The Monday Column

See a pattern emerging here?

There were a number of reasons in my mind why we didn’t beat Charlton. First, the obvious, and the one that has blighted our season from day one. It’s that old chestnut of not scoring goals. Putting chances away. The basic thing that the game of football is all about!

Oh for the good old days when we used to go 3-0 up against teams like Fulham inside 30 minutes. Or send shockwaves through the Premiership by beating Leeds 6-1 or Bolton 4-0.

Poor old Vukic. He had a major part to play in the defeat on Saturday. Putting it bluntly, the poor man had a total ‘mare. Mid-way through the second half, with us still 1-0 to the good, he had a glorious chance in the area, finding himself with just the ‘keeper to beat.

The ball was on his left foot… but the ball ended up in the ‘keeper’s hands thanks to a miss-hit that barely made the Charlton man between the sticks sweat. And to think he was brought in to shore up our goalscoring prowess!

If we’d made it 2-0 then, the game would have been all over, I reckon. But a few minutes after his fluffed chance, Vukic found himself on the ball, mid-way in our own half. He lost it far too easily and bang! Murphy finds Ambrose with a ball that split our defence far too easily (where were the runners tracking the striker?) and it’s 1-1.

Even worse, in shades of the same match two years ago where Sheringham put us 1-0 up only for two late goals to seize it for the Londoners, Rommedhal goes and makes it 2-1 to them thanks to more shoddy defending.

It’s unfair to blame Vukic entirely, of course. Other individuals must also carry some of the blame. Like Perrin.

I am getting sick and tired of the man. I am getting sick and tired of his ridiculous quotes, and his crazy training methods. I am also getting tired of people calling for him to be given more time. How much time do you want to give the idiot? Because before too long, it will be too late. At this rate we’ll be bottom of the league by Christmas and down by February.

Perrin is a prize turkey and should be sacked as soon as possible in my view. He may well be ok as a first team coach, but as manager I feel he makes some truly bizarre decisions and player selections.

How about this, for instance. We went 2-1 down on 77 minutes. That gave us 13 minutes, plus stoppage time, to press for an equaliser. And what is the first sub that Perrin makes? Robert (ok he was lazy as buggery but the guy does have talent and has created the majority of our goals this season) for the attacking force of… of… of…

Wait for it…

RICHARD HUGHES!!!!!!!!!! The goal scoring, creative talent who’s most creative ball is the one he plays back to Ashdown from the half-way line.

Bless him!

Perrin also brought on Toddy, of course… but when was that substitution made?

Well, let me ask you this – what you would have done had you been our manager on Saturday and just seen your team go 2-1 down with 13 minutes to go. Answer? You would have brought on an extra attacker immediately after going 2-1 down, wouldn’t you? What’s the difference if you lose 3-1 or 2-1? Not a lot. But there is a big difference in getting a point as against to sweet FA.

Not Reggie, though. On no. He doesn’t bring on Toddy straight after Rommedhal scored, as any football manager with an OUNCE of common sense would have done. As you would have done. As a deaf, blind mute would have done.

No, instead Perrin gave Mr Todorov something like three minutes to change the match. Wonderful. Va va voom, Monsieur Perrin. Vous est un grande idiot! Taxi pour Monsieur Perrin, s’il vous plait.

As my mate Big Tim said to me as the Fratton End begged for Todorov to be brought on with 10 minutes to go, Perrin is a busted flush. We should put him out of his misery. And I can’t believe there are still fans out there calling for him to be given more time!

Could it get any worse than this, I wondered, as fans streamed out of the ground. Well yes, it could. And it did. But before I say why, let me ask this - is there some law against making three subs at once? Because if there is, what I am about to say is irrelevant and I shall apologise for it now.

But why oh why oh why was Mbesuma, the subject of many words in my column over the past month or two, brought on a minute after the first double substitution, just as the game had got going again?

Alan Curbishly must have been rubbing his hands together with glee at that one. That was the sort of thing he would have done, the move a team DEFENDING a lead would have done, to eat up a few more valuable seconds and break the game up a bit.

And what on earth good was poor old Collins going to do in the two minutes of time he had? Score a quick ‘trick? Bamboozle and dribble round all 11 Charlton men before clipping a beautiful chip into the top corner?

I can only assume that our pie-eating, sumo-wrestling, beer-swilling front man is fit enough only to play the final two minutes of normal time – and not the three that Toddy was given.

So where do we go from here? Well, to that most hospitable of places, Sunderland. I hate Sunderland fans. In my experience they are mostly hostile and have a propensity for violence and abuse towards opposition supporters.

Maybe things have changed since the bad old days of Roker Park. I remember seeing the ginger Stuart Doling score there when we drew 1-1 many years ago. I narrowly avoided getting beaten up shortly after the final whistle.

I also saw Paul Walsh get sent off there when we were defeated 4-1 in the match that pretty much ended the promotion dream of the 1992/93 season under Jim Smith.

Both times I was scared shitless making my way to and from the ground.

Before the 4-1 defeat we were driving through the town, making our way to the ground. It was a beautiful spring day. The sun was out and it was warm. We weren’t wearing colours, as I knew from my previous experience that that would have been a mistake.

Yet still a savage Macum decided that he KNEW we were Pompey, so he came up to our car and gobbed in through the open window as we were stopped at lights. Nice.

Anyway, we need three points this weekend. It’s a real relegation 6-pointer, even this early in the season. Fail to get anything, and we’re in the biggest amount of doggy-do that you could possibly imagine. Win, and we might just get some confidence back into the team. A draw isn’t enough.

And who do we have visiting playpen Fratton the match after (well it’s hardly a fortress anymore, is it?)

The mighty Wigan! A team in the best form in the Premiership! Now be honest – who thought I’d be saying the ‘mighty’ Wigan at the start of the season? Not me, that’s for sure. They are now only three or four wins and some draws from safety, in all probability. And they boast some players who should be with us this season in De Zeuw and Francis.

What odds De Zeuw feeding Francis in midfield, who then plays in Roberts to score the winner with 10 minutes to go? And what odds Perrin then bringing off Lualua and putting on… Richard Hughes?

That’s if Perrin is still with us, of course…