The Monday Column

I commented to my mate Big Tim that I was pleased Karadas wasn’t starting, but also my frustration about the fact that neither Todorov or Mbesuma had made the bench while Perrin’s big Norwegian favourite had.

Big Tim commented that he thought it was a shame Owen wasn’t playing – not a sentiment echoed by anyone else around us in the top of the North Stand. “You’ve got to be f***ing joking,” said a granny with a blue rinse hairdo two rows in front of us when she overheard Big Tim say what he said.

Then I looked at our formation. I looked again. And again. And one more time for luck – but I couldn’t work it out. All I knew was that it definitely wasn’t 4-5-1 or 4-4-2 or anything else conventional.

My initial thought was that we were playing wing backs, with five strung across the back – Priske, Dejan and O’Brien in the middle and Vignal and Griffin out wide.

In front of them I thought Diao was the defensive midfielder, with O’Neill on the right, Vukic in the middle and Taylor on the left all given license to push forward in support of Silva. But five minutes into the game it didn’t really seem that we were playing wing-backs at all. So we all started guessing at what we were playing.

“It’s a 3-3-2-2 formation,” said Big Tim. “We’re playing banks of three. And look! Taylor’s playing up front with Silva!” (And it did look, at the start of the game, as though he was).

“You what?” I said. “What the f*** are you talking about, 3-3-2-2? Did you go to the dyslexic school of football management or something? That’s clearly a 3-3-3-1 formation with Silva as a lone striker and Vukic, O’Neil and Taylor in support.”

“It could be a 3-4-3-1,” chipped in my other mate Gav, sitting two seats to my right. There was a pause for a few seconds before both Big Tim and I realised that Gav’s tactical analysis actually meant that Pompey had fielded 12 players. Gav hung his head in shame. He’s never been a mathematician…

Even now, on Monday morning, I’m still not sure of what our real formation was. And neither, does it seem, are the papers. The News of the World had us down as a 4-5-1 and a 3-3-3-1; Sportsmail got it right (I think) though Mark Storey also admitted to some confusion; and the Star today didn’t even hazard a guess. The cowards.

But… whatever anyone says, I think Perrin’s tactics worked against Newcastle. Ok, they were without Owen, Dyer, Emre, Solano and so on. I’m bored of hearing the excuses. But they still had Bowyer, Lee Clark, £6million Scott Parker and a classy looking N’Zogbia on the left. Not bad. Then there was the £8million Boumsong at the back, with one of the best right-backs in the business alongside him in Stephen Carr.

I shan’t mention the Scummer up front by name, but on paper the Magpies still put out a decent side despite their injuries – and with Perrin’s revolutionary formation we outplayed them. Outclassed, outfought, out-passed.

There were so many positives for us to take from the game. Our defence shackled Shearer and Amoeba well, with Diao sound just in front of them. The more I see Diao play, the more I wonder how he could have been such a categorical failure at Liverpool. He looks pretty good to me.

Ashdown didn’t really have a save to make, and Vukic showed some awesome touches for a 20-minute spell in the first half. When he finds his feet I reckon he’ll be a key player for us this season.

O’Neill and Taylor both had good games, as did Vignal. The freedom Taylor had was awesome – I wonder how well Robert would have done in his place? And I wonder how well Lualua would have done on his own up front in place of Silva?

The only two problem positions were Griffin, who I felt was given a bit of a torried time by N’Zogbia, and Silva. Oh how our lack of a decent striker is gonna cost us this season, because neither Karadas or hi-ho Silva are going to score more than 10 goals between them (not each – between them) before April arrives.

I said this last week and I’m saying it again. If we’d had the Yak playing on Saturday, I’m sure we would have won. Not just won, but annihilated them. I hate to say this but we’re missing him more than I thought we would do. Much more.

So where does the solution lie? I was staggered before the start of the game when the team sheet was announced to hear that neither Mbesuma or Todorov had even made the bench. Which brings me nicely onto my favourite subject in this Monday column, Collins Mbesuma. People are going to think I’m obsessed with the man (I’m not. Really. Honestly…)

2. Mbesuma Watch
It’s now three weeks since our Collins’ Premiership bow in the starting XI was supposedly scheduled for the 10th September against Everton. Back in the close season we were told by Peter Storrie and Reggie that we should be patient with him, as he was over-weight and needed to get match fit, as well as having to adapt to life in a new country away from family and friends etc. All perfectly understandable.

This would, apparently, take until the 10th September. WE’RE STILL BEING TOLD THE SAME THING NOW!!!

But what I don’t get is this. Mbesuma can play reserve matches and get through them. He’s even scored two goals in reserve games. I accept that you don’t need to be as fit playing in reserve matches as you need to be for the first team, but why oh why can’t he get a spot on the bench? Can’t he even last for 15 minutes? I’m not saying he would have been the difference against the Magpies, but surely it would have been worth a shot as hi-ho Silva tired?

But if he’s not fit enough to play him on the bench, WHY OH WHY DID HE COME ON AGAINST SPURS?!!!

Now it looks like we’ll have to wait til the Charlton home game to get a close look at Collins, which is on the 22nd October – nearly six weeks after his initial start was planned against the Toffees at Goodison.

Now I’ve made all this fuss he’ll probably turn out to be rubbish, but then would that be as bad as the forward line we currently have? You can answer that question perfectly well for me!

3. Crowd Chants
My favourite chant at Fratton at the moment is the ‘wanker’ chant. No, not the one where the word ‘wanker’ is incorporated into a sentence – just the one where the entire ground chants ‘wanker’ repeatedly at someone (usually the ref) for doing something wrong or bad.

Imaginative that one. But that said, I do find it amusing and joined in myself… but can’t we come up with some decent new chants? How’s about thinking something abusive up for Darren Bent when he arrives with Charlton in a couple of weeks. Got to be potential there.

4. The Ref
Well done Steve Bennett. Apart from denying us an obvious penalty and booking Vukic instead I thought he had a decent match. Certainly a lot better than the clown Dermot Gallacher.

The Bowyer incident warrants a mention, though. How he failed to get one booking for the tackle and then another for putting his head up against Vignal’s (credit to Gregory for not responding) I will never know.

When he made the tackle, my mate Big Tim stood up and shouted something along the lines of: “F***ing hell ref! Send the f***er off! Give him a red card!”

At which point a bloke in front of us turned round and said that if Newcastle went down to 10 men, like Villa and Brum, we’d never win and might even lose.

“Yellow card ref! Book him – don’t send him off!” yelled Tim from the top of the North Stand, as Steve Bennett stood on the edge of the pitch in front of the South Stand. I don’t think he heard you, Tim!

5. Penalties (or lack of them)
Talking of penalties, we’re not getting any this season, are we? Why is this? Can this observation mean anything? Last season we had a fair few by now and through the season (look at Yak’s haul in addition to the couple that Unsworth scored). And our first season in the top flight saw us get more than our share, too.

Why is this? Are our attackers not taking on defenders enough? Are we not getting the ball in the box enough? Are refs deliberately looking to NOT give us penalties (bring out the conspiracy theorists who reckon the FA want us to go down)!

The truth probably lies somewhere in between all these explanations. Although OPTA analysis suggests we’ve had plenty of chances to score this season, a lot of our shots have been speculative from outside the area – and they class ‘chances’, I think, as being decent crosses, too, not just shots.

I reckon that our lack of penalty shouts this season compared to our last couple of seasons is an indication that we’re not getting into goalscoring situations as much as we should be. Or maybe I’m talking complete bollocks again.

6. The Match Interview
Last week you’ll remember I interviewed a Geordie work colleague and friend of mine, Derek ‘I love my pies’ Mooney. Diamond geezer Derek – who has been supporting the Magpies since he was a kid – regularly goes up to St James’ to watch them play. He wasn’t at Fratton on Saturday, but this was his take on the game…

Jim Foster (JF): Do you think it was a good game, Derek?

Derek Mooney (DM): Na, man. It was shite, like.

JF: Well, you might have been shite, but we battered you. How we didn’t beat you I don’t know.

DM: Wye eye man! Aye, after that rubbish we produced a lot of Geordies are worried that we’re turning into a one-man team. Anybody would miss Owen. He’s a world-class forward and I think we would have won had he been playing, like.

JF: I disagree – for a forward to score you need to create chances, and you didn’t create anything all match, apart from a long-range shot from Parker (oh and one from Shearer that was closer to the corner flag).

DM: Wye aye fella, fair point, like.

JF: What about Given though? He’s got to be one of the best keepers in the Premiership.

DM: Eye, completely, and he has been for some time. I’d go as far to say he’s one of the best shot-stoppers in Europe. Luckily today he’s asked to start negotiations for a new contract, man, whereas pre-season he was indicating that if we didn’t sign the sort of players he rated he’d move on. Like. Like. Wye aye!

(At this point Derek is distracted when the lunchtime sandwich van turns up outside our offices. His thoughts leave the interview and turn to pies).

JF, 10 minutes later: Ooooh, moody bugger is he then? Shay Given that is.

DM: Nah, not at all, man (munching on a pie). You did play us at the right time though. I still say that when we get everyone fit we’re a top-5 team.

JF: Our fans did chant ‘there’s only one Graeme Souness’. What’s your view on him now?

DM: The jury’s out on our Graham, man. There’s an equal split between us whether to give him more time or sack him. Aye! But I don’t think you can sack him when his team hasn’t been together on the pitch yet – get Emre, Solano, Luque, Dyer, Owen etc all playing together man and then judge the man, man. You’ve got to remember that Souness was brought in to get rid of the troublemakers – Bellamy and Robert – and he’s done that. Aye he’s done that alright!

JF: Enough of you lot. What about us? Did you think we played well?

DM: Obviously the effort was there, aye it was, so I think your players are still behind Perrin, man. But overall I think your squad quality isn’t good enough. Not for a full season, like. You can’t sell players like Yakubu and not replace them.

JF: Finally your prediction – where will we finish and where will you lot finish?

DM: It’s not looking good for you, man. I reckon you’ll end up in the bottom three, I’m afraid. Us? If everyone gets fit, I think we’ll qualify for Europe. If not, around 10th or so. But we do have money to spend in January, like – and there’s rumours of Woodgate and Bridge signing for us. They’d be awesome signings, man!

JF: Pompey to be relegated. Collect your P45 on your way out!

DM (wandering off singing): The fog on the Tyne is all mine all mine, fog on the Tyne is all mine…