Let's start off with today - Oliver Holt is apparently the Sports Writer of the year! Well, it just goes to show you don't have to be very good to win awards these days. You expect clear and unbiased commentary on real life events, not bitter side swiping at the club one of your cronies used to work for. Read and laugh, if you will;
I feel sorry for the Portsmouth fans. Dumped out of the FA cup by their old manager, Harry Redknapp, new boss Velimir Zajec appears intent on turning the side into a Balkan satelite state with his new signings. You can almost feel the team spirit Harry built ebbing away. I thought when Redknapp left they would go down. I'm becoming surer of it by the day.
This appeared in the same newspaper with the match report where we won 2-1 against Champions League chasing Middlesbrough to take us to 30 points, don't forget, thus taking us 12 points clear of poor old Harry and not to mention 8 away from the relegation we are so obviously destined for. Well done, Mr Sports Writer of the Year (stop laughing, you'll hurt his feelings). I wonder if he'll come out and admit his error when we stay up? No, I didn't think so either. He'll probably be penning a vicious article on why it's so unfair Southampton have to play Hull next season.
We now turn to his colleague at The Mirror, Darren Lewis. He was charged with the task of describing to the general public, in a fair and even handed manner, last Saturday's match against Southampton. A man on the other side of the world should be able to pick this up and get a fair vision of the game. Did they? Er, no. Of course not.
But in the end it consisted mostly of pathetic name-calling from the Portsmouth fans directed at the man whose feet they should have been kissing. Redknapp can now turn his attention to the battle for survival. True, they need reinforcements, but Redknapp is at a club where everybody pulls together in the same direction. With a mass sale going on 18 miles down the road, could you really say the same for Portsmouth?
Now call me silly, and people no doubt will, but wasn't Harry on telly just a couple of days before the game, saying how if they got relegated he'd leave? How he was struggling to bring in players because the chairman wouldn't release the transfer fees or wages he was asking for? And THAT is a club where everyone pulls in the same direction apparently! Why, I'd certainly hate to be at a club where the manager and chairman are mates, where they can bring in new players without quarrels and where the squad are sitting happily midtable... holy shit! LIKE US!
All in the build up to last week's game, we got all sorts of stories coming out of Harry's mouth - "I signed all the players", "I'm still friends with all the players", "I can walk on water" - you know the type. When that clearly wasn't working, The Mirror switched to playing the sympathy card instead.
Harry Redknapp nearly quit football because of the sickening abuse from Portsmouth fans after his defection to their bitter south coast rivals Southampton. The Saints boss had to endure hate mail, threatening calls on his mobile after his number was posted on a fans' website and graffiti calling him a 'Judas' was daubed on the walls at Fratton Park. Redknapp, 57, had never suffered such abuse in his long playing and managerial career and it nearly forced him into a stunning U-turn after being left genuinely shocked by the level of hate directed at him.
I have a few problems with this particular issue. He KNOWS the feeling between Portsmouth and Southampton fans. He managed us in four South Coast derbies, for crying out loud. There's an interview of him whilst he worked here when he was asked for his opinion on a Portsmouth fans vs Southampton fans charity match and his reply is "kick the f**k out of them" - he can hardly claim that it's all right over his head! "Judas was daubed on the walls at Fratton Park"? What the hell was he doing at Fratton Park anyway?!
The further back in time we go, the more we get to notice The Mirror and their transfer predictions. Among the highlights;
- Yakubu is now valued at £10m and Newcastle are not prepared to pay, especially as they thought they had a deal at £7.5m. The ambitious striker is worried that he will be left behind and could miss the boat (Why would he get a boat to Newcastle anyway?)
- Ambitious Birmingham City are making a shock £7million move for Portsmouth striker Yakubu (This one only lasted a day for some reason)
- We can also reveal that Everton boss David Moyes wants Yakubu to move to Goodison to play alongside Beattie. Everton have been quoted a price of £12million by Portsmouth for Yakubu, but they should be able to get him for £6m (No explanation as to why we're prepared to sell for a £6m loss, but hey! Get your imagination hat on, you write for The Mirror now!)
- Harry Redknapp is ready to spark a new battle between Southampton and Portsmouth - by pinching striker Diomansy Kamara. The exciting hitman only joined Pompey on loan from Italian club Medina and, after leaving Fratton Park only last month, new Saints boss Redknapp is considering making a £2million offer to buy him (Oh! This is my favourite! They cleverly managed to avoid the fact we'd already bought him for £2.2m and - this is the best part - the fact there's no such club as Medina! I bet it took them all of lunch time to come up with this story)
The Mirror were also the paper who happily ran the story about Barry Silkman being "victimised" for being banned from Fratton Park and then - this is just so funny it's untrue;
he sensationally alleges that a letter informing him of the ban was delivered to his home by a hard man he found intimidating
Did you honestly read that last sentence without laughing? No, me neither. Congratulations, The Mirror. You can't even be used as toilet paper, because you'd put more on than you take off.