Managerial Mayhem

Last updated : 05 October 2005 By Keith Allman

God bless the press. Once they've got a story that they want to get out into the big wide world then they just never give up, bless their little cottons. What's that you say? Examples? How about Mark Storey's one man campaign for us to sign either Smertin or Basinas? Or what about the classic "Yakubu to Chelsea/Birmingham/Everton/Tottenham" stories that were printed every transfer window? Because they all turned out to be true! Still I suppose sensationalism sells and sales up and down the country wouldn't be too hot if all the headlines were things like "99.99% of footballers follow strict training regimes and rarely go out drinking" or "a lot of players volunteer their spare time for charity work". No, that would never do. It has to be something vaguely interesting, even at clubs like ourselves which seem quite boring and dull from the outside world - another Birmingham or Blackburn just there to make up the numbers.

Seemingly though we've created a problem. Their number one favourite target was LuaLua as there was always plenty of potential in that one. Yeah, he's a rebel! He hates everyone! He storms down the tunnel! He barges people out of the way when he's leaving the ground! Hang on, I've got a phone call... he was signing autographs until 5:30? Print it anyway, no-one will know the difference!

But now look what he's gone and done - got malaria, the silly so-and-so. Time to move on to a new idea because even the typically imaginative media would struggle to spin a web of lies saying how he "refuses to train" when he's confined to his bed by doctor's orders. So it's onto another easy topic - managers! Milan by his own admission isn't the most patient of characters (seven managers down if you're counting) and with an embarrassingly awful start of, er, 14th place, it's time to line up the next candidates. I mean who is this Alan Perring person anyway? He can't even speak English very well, he must be an idiot! How dare a foreigner come and try and work in our country, we should only employ English managers regardless of their ability, someone like... someone like...

Neil Warnock!

And that's exactly the rumour. Apparently his contract is up at the end of the season and so he's coming here instead. Can't really see that one being true since a) He supports Sheffield United b) They're running away with the league c) He's managed to bring them a fair degree of success in league and cup in recent years. But no, he's definitely coming here. Good one ClubCall and Fans FC, reliable as ever.

The second candidate is Avraham Grant, the current manager of Israel. The thing is that he's not really that bad a manager - won the Israeli league a couple of times with Maccabi Haifa and known for favouring attacking football - but with his country currently joint second in Group 4 and a massive one point off the lead, why would he come here? And why has his name been picked out randomly out of so many managers across the continent? I presume it's an "Eastern European" connection thing, and that he's even got vague Pompey links (he was manager of Haifa at the time of Yakubu's arrival on the scene) but even so it's bizarre how someone can be picked out, thrust into the spotlight in a story for one day and then everyone forgets about it again and moves on to the next target.

And, let's be honest, despite Milan not being too shy in dishing out the P45's there is no chance he'd ditch Perrin so soon. What would we gain? More unrest, more players coming and going, more uncertainty. Perrin has spoken of having a plan to span the length of his contract and that it's going to take time and patience, which is what we need to remember. And of course there's a lot for our chairman riding on this than just a manager's job - he's staked a lot on the manager/D.O.F thing, the departure of 'Arry, etc. He won't be prepared to throw it away over a run of results which has still seen us in a position we'll be delighted to finish in eight months time.

Still, on the one hand I'm thinking "Where do they get these names from? Why do the media love picking completely random people and claiming they're going to suddenly appear at our club?" Then I remember penning a similar question around the time we were told some guy called Velimir Zajec was joining so as our American cousins say, "you do the math". And knowing the record of this site of making great predictions, Perrin will be history by the time I wake up tomorrow.