T'was a dark starry night on the Eve of Christmas. In the glittering town of Poole an upbeat wheeler dealer by the name of Harry Redknapp could not contain his excitement as he sits by his tree with the log fire in his living room burning bright. Suddenly he hears a knock at his door.
"'oo could that be at this time of night?" Harry said as he got up out of his chair and made his way to the door. Removing the latch he opened the door. "Blimey! It's me old pal Santa! 'ow you doin' mate?" exclaimed Harry. "Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas Harry Redknapp!" Santa shouted. "I'm sorry to be so late but Rudolph is getting a bit old now. He can't fly as well as he used to I'm afraid!" "Why don't ya stick 'im on the transfer list then? You can get a couple of those deer things on loan in January I'm sure." Harry replied. "Excuse me?" Santa said with suprise. "Ah no worries Santa. Jus' got football on the brain too much. Come in!" Harry said.
Harry opens the door wider so the bulky Santa can step in. Harry moves into the living room and Santa follows as he drags his big black sack into the hallway of Harry's home. "So where's the rest of your family Harry?" Santa said as he walked into the living room. "Well Sandra is upstairs scouting some players for me on Champ Manager 00/01 and Jamie said he couldn't come home this Christmas coz he'd rather be at Sky." Harry explained. "Oh you're still using that game I gave you that year eh? Has it helped?" Santa asked. "For sure." Harry said. Before the conversation could continue there was a loud bellow from upstairs...
"Harry darling!" said the voice. "Waddya want Sandra? Can't ya see I have a guest here?" Harry shouted up. "I have found a couple of players you might be interested in my dear!" Sandra said. "Oh... well go on then" Harry said sheepishly. "OK what do you think of T.Sheringham?" Sandra asked. "Nah I 'ad 'im 'ere before. Not Premiership quality anymore. Too old!" Harry said at the top of his voice. "OK well what about this one? K.Campbell." Sandra said. "Hmmm... that could be a goer. Only 32 so he could do a job for us." Harry thought to himself. "Well keep going then! We don't 'ave all season!" said Harry. "OK my love I'll keep looking then!" Sandra said and there was a brief moments silence before Harry shouted "Oi! Sandra!" ..."Yes?" the womanly voice answered. "'Ave you stuck G.O'Neil on the loan list yet!?" Harry said. "Yes my dear just as you asked." said Sandra. "Good girl..." Harry said with a finalising tone in his voice.
Mr Redknapp then sat down in his chair and invited Santa to sit down on the chair next to him. "I see you're still keeping the old wife busy!" Santa stated. "Yeah well she'll be in the kitchen tommora, skinning the Turkey down to the bare bones. It makes a change from the loft I s'pose." Harry said. "Ho! Ho! Ho! I did take a look at your Christmas list Harry. I think I got everything you asked for." Santa told Harry. "Bloody marvellous! What ya got me then?" Harry said excitedly. Santa opened his sack but before he dug his hand in he said "I don't usually have the time to get in costume because of my busy schedule but I thought I would put on my suit for this visit. I thought it would be funny..." Santa then stood up and began to do a strange dance whilst singing "Harry and Nick, Red and White! Harry and Nick, Red and White!"
"Sorry Santa but I aint at Southampton any more. I'm back down Portsmouth now." explained Harry. "Oh...." Santa scoffed. A stiff silence fell upon the room for a moment until Santa said "Well you won't be wanting this then!" Santa took out a Southampton shirt from his sack and immediately threw it onto the fire. "I really wish you'd make your mind up sometimes Harry. You're a real nightmare at times." "I'm sorry Santa. 'Ere do you want a mince pie?" asked Harry. "Oh ho ho! You know I am impartial to a good old pie!" Harry made his way to the kitchen. "Why I was only up in Wigan about half an hour ago and the amount of pies I recieved was extortionate! I almost couldn't finish them all by the time I arrived here." Santa said to Harry. Harry brought in some fresh Mince Pies "I got these on a free." Harry said as he handed Santa a mince pie which he scoffed in a second flat. "Jesus Christ!" Harry said with a gobsmacked look on his face. "Now now Harry. It's Christmas you should not say things like that. It's blasphemy!" "Sorry guv' it's just that you scoffed that well quick!" Harry replied. "Mmmmm yes these pies are very good. Why I think I could give Sam Allardyce a run for his money in a pie eating contest. That's if he has any money to spend in January! Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa laughed.
"So what 'ave ya got me then?" Harry said inquisitively. "Well let's see.. hmmm.." Santa delved into his sack. "Oh here you go!" Santa gave Harry a hand-sized box in Christmas wrapping. Harry took it and shook it. The present made a noise as if something was inside. Harry joyfully unwrapped the box and then looked inside to find a trio of needles. "What's this?" the wheeler dealer asked. "Well on your list you asked for three points so there you go!" Santa said. "Nah nah nah! That's not what I meant! I meant three points on the board!" Harry said in disbelief. "Well sorry Harry I only have one board in my sack and I have to deliver that to Aston Villa Football Club. They've been waiting a long time for it after all!" Santa said. "Naa-o! Oh sod it! Forget that! What else ya got me?" Harry said. "Well... unfortunately I didn't have time to wrap these ones up but I did manage to get what was on the list." Following this statement Santa rummaged through his bag and took out a lump of coal, a photo of Wendy Richard and a Goldeneye DVD. "Ho! Ho! Ho! There you go! Coal, Fowler and Bond! Though you did spell Coal wrong on your list Harry!"
Harry stared at the items with a very confused look on his face as opposed to his normal slightly confused look. "I can't believe this! You've got it all wrong!" Redknapp said. "Isn't it usually everyone saying that to you Harry? Besides what's wrong with these gifts?" A bewildered Santa asked. "Well for starters you got the wrong Bond!" Harry said. Santa proposed "Well I can always get you Jenny Bond if you want though adultery is a sin I have you know." "Nah I wanted Kev Bond ya know.. he works at Southampton! Anyway what am I supposed to do with this photo!?" Harry asked. "Yes well I did ask that Pauline Fowler to visit but she said she couldn't make it in person so a photo would have to do." Santa explained. "But I didn't mean Pauline! I wanted Robbie!" Harry exclaimed. "Well I'm sorry about that but I'm afraid there's no more Robbie left. 400,000 girls and 100,000 guys asked for him this Christmas so I had no choice but to go backstage at one of his concerts, kill him and then cut him up into 500,000 pieces so everyone could have a share of him."
A deafening silence fell for a minute as a puzzled Harry said "You did what....?" but Santa failed to reply. Harry decided to move on the conversation. "Eeerm... so anyway Santa what about this coal then? I haven't been that bad this year have I?" "Don't tempt me.... But yes I did find it strange that you would ask for coal even if you did spell it C O L E" Santa replied. "Nah that's coz I meant Joe Cole! Y'know! I think he plays for some rich club now!" Harry said. "I'm not a miracle worker" said Santa. "Oi! That's my line!" Harry snapped. "Oh dear.. well I'm afraid that's all you've got from me this year my friend." Santa said. Harry sighed and said "What a shambles this Christmas has been! Almost as bad as my Southampton team! This reminds me of when you visited us 10 years ago Santa when Jamie was 'ere. All he wanted was an England cap!" "And I got him one! A nice hat with the St.Georges cross on it!" Santa said.
There was a pause in the living room for a moment. Harry then said "So is that it for this year then?" "No not quite." Santa said as he handed Harry a tub shaped present with a tag that read:
Dear Harry
Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year
Love Milan
"You must be quite special if a whole city loves you Harry" Santa stated but Harry just sighed and nodded his headed negatively. "Oh before I go one more thing Harry!" Santa handed Harry a fortune cookie and Harry duly cracked it open and unfolded the piece of paper inside. The message stated:
BEWARE FOR YOU WILL SOON RECIEVE GREAT HUMILIATION AND REGRET FROM YOUR OLD FRIENDS FORCING YOU TO RETURN TO YOUR SPIRITUAL HOME
"What.. again!?" Harry said. "Oh sorry Harry.. those cookies are a year out of date. I'm afraid some guy named Mourinho took all of this years' supply. It's a shame because they all wished great fortune and success for the coming year." Santa explained. "Oh well... I guess I'll have to wait 'til next year then. I guess you'll be leaving now." Redknapp said. "Yes I really must go. I have to deliver this rattle and pram to Rupert Lowe before midnight you see. I have already delievered a set to Arsene Wenger, he always breaks his rattles every year so it's almost like tradition! Ho! Ho! ho!" Santa said. "Awight then well I'll seeya next year then." Said Harry. "Of course! I will remember to get a Pompey shirt for you for next Christmas!" Santa said. "Umm.. don't count on it.." Harry said as Santa left the Redknapp Residence and climbed aboard his sleigh. "Well then Harry, it's time for me to go! I would wish you good luck on Boxing Day but my missus supports West Ham so unfortunately I can't! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Goodbye!"
And in a flash Santa Claus had gone. Harry Redknapp had walked back into his house pondering what had just happened. Harry closed the door and turned out the lights. As he wandered up the stairs with his nightcap on he could hear a voice.. "Darling I think I've found the perfect player. His name is T.Henry and...." "Oh shu'up woman I'm goin' to bed!" Harry interrupted and he made his way to his bed, shut his eyes and was fast asleep ready to prepare for training the following day.
The End
"'oo could that be at this time of night?" Harry said as he got up out of his chair and made his way to the door. Removing the latch he opened the door. "Blimey! It's me old pal Santa! 'ow you doin' mate?" exclaimed Harry. "Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas Harry Redknapp!" Santa shouted. "I'm sorry to be so late but Rudolph is getting a bit old now. He can't fly as well as he used to I'm afraid!" "Why don't ya stick 'im on the transfer list then? You can get a couple of those deer things on loan in January I'm sure." Harry replied. "Excuse me?" Santa said with suprise. "Ah no worries Santa. Jus' got football on the brain too much. Come in!" Harry said.
Harry opens the door wider so the bulky Santa can step in. Harry moves into the living room and Santa follows as he drags his big black sack into the hallway of Harry's home. "So where's the rest of your family Harry?" Santa said as he walked into the living room. "Well Sandra is upstairs scouting some players for me on Champ Manager 00/01 and Jamie said he couldn't come home this Christmas coz he'd rather be at Sky." Harry explained. "Oh you're still using that game I gave you that year eh? Has it helped?" Santa asked. "For sure." Harry said. Before the conversation could continue there was a loud bellow from upstairs...
"Harry darling!" said the voice. "Waddya want Sandra? Can't ya see I have a guest here?" Harry shouted up. "I have found a couple of players you might be interested in my dear!" Sandra said. "Oh... well go on then" Harry said sheepishly. "OK what do you think of T.Sheringham?" Sandra asked. "Nah I 'ad 'im 'ere before. Not Premiership quality anymore. Too old!" Harry said at the top of his voice. "OK well what about this one? K.Campbell." Sandra said. "Hmmm... that could be a goer. Only 32 so he could do a job for us." Harry thought to himself. "Well keep going then! We don't 'ave all season!" said Harry. "OK my love I'll keep looking then!" Sandra said and there was a brief moments silence before Harry shouted "Oi! Sandra!" ..."Yes?" the womanly voice answered. "'Ave you stuck G.O'Neil on the loan list yet!?" Harry said. "Yes my dear just as you asked." said Sandra. "Good girl..." Harry said with a finalising tone in his voice.
Mr Redknapp then sat down in his chair and invited Santa to sit down on the chair next to him. "I see you're still keeping the old wife busy!" Santa stated. "Yeah well she'll be in the kitchen tommora, skinning the Turkey down to the bare bones. It makes a change from the loft I s'pose." Harry said. "Ho! Ho! Ho! I did take a look at your Christmas list Harry. I think I got everything you asked for." Santa told Harry. "Bloody marvellous! What ya got me then?" Harry said excitedly. Santa opened his sack but before he dug his hand in he said "I don't usually have the time to get in costume because of my busy schedule but I thought I would put on my suit for this visit. I thought it would be funny..." Santa then stood up and began to do a strange dance whilst singing "Harry and Nick, Red and White! Harry and Nick, Red and White!"
"Sorry Santa but I aint at Southampton any more. I'm back down Portsmouth now." explained Harry. "Oh...." Santa scoffed. A stiff silence fell upon the room for a moment until Santa said "Well you won't be wanting this then!" Santa took out a Southampton shirt from his sack and immediately threw it onto the fire. "I really wish you'd make your mind up sometimes Harry. You're a real nightmare at times." "I'm sorry Santa. 'Ere do you want a mince pie?" asked Harry. "Oh ho ho! You know I am impartial to a good old pie!" Harry made his way to the kitchen. "Why I was only up in Wigan about half an hour ago and the amount of pies I recieved was extortionate! I almost couldn't finish them all by the time I arrived here." Santa said to Harry. Harry brought in some fresh Mince Pies "I got these on a free." Harry said as he handed Santa a mince pie which he scoffed in a second flat. "Jesus Christ!" Harry said with a gobsmacked look on his face. "Now now Harry. It's Christmas you should not say things like that. It's blasphemy!" "Sorry guv' it's just that you scoffed that well quick!" Harry replied. "Mmmmm yes these pies are very good. Why I think I could give Sam Allardyce a run for his money in a pie eating contest. That's if he has any money to spend in January! Ho! Ho! Ho!" Santa laughed.
"So what 'ave ya got me then?" Harry said inquisitively. "Well let's see.. hmmm.." Santa delved into his sack. "Oh here you go!" Santa gave Harry a hand-sized box in Christmas wrapping. Harry took it and shook it. The present made a noise as if something was inside. Harry joyfully unwrapped the box and then looked inside to find a trio of needles. "What's this?" the wheeler dealer asked. "Well on your list you asked for three points so there you go!" Santa said. "Nah nah nah! That's not what I meant! I meant three points on the board!" Harry said in disbelief. "Well sorry Harry I only have one board in my sack and I have to deliver that to Aston Villa Football Club. They've been waiting a long time for it after all!" Santa said. "Naa-o! Oh sod it! Forget that! What else ya got me?" Harry said. "Well... unfortunately I didn't have time to wrap these ones up but I did manage to get what was on the list." Following this statement Santa rummaged through his bag and took out a lump of coal, a photo of Wendy Richard and a Goldeneye DVD. "Ho! Ho! Ho! There you go! Coal, Fowler and Bond! Though you did spell Coal wrong on your list Harry!"
Harry stared at the items with a very confused look on his face as opposed to his normal slightly confused look. "I can't believe this! You've got it all wrong!" Redknapp said. "Isn't it usually everyone saying that to you Harry? Besides what's wrong with these gifts?" A bewildered Santa asked. "Well for starters you got the wrong Bond!" Harry said. Santa proposed "Well I can always get you Jenny Bond if you want though adultery is a sin I have you know." "Nah I wanted Kev Bond ya know.. he works at Southampton! Anyway what am I supposed to do with this photo!?" Harry asked. "Yes well I did ask that Pauline Fowler to visit but she said she couldn't make it in person so a photo would have to do." Santa explained. "But I didn't mean Pauline! I wanted Robbie!" Harry exclaimed. "Well I'm sorry about that but I'm afraid there's no more Robbie left. 400,000 girls and 100,000 guys asked for him this Christmas so I had no choice but to go backstage at one of his concerts, kill him and then cut him up into 500,000 pieces so everyone could have a share of him."
A deafening silence fell for a minute as a puzzled Harry said "You did what....?" but Santa failed to reply. Harry decided to move on the conversation. "Eeerm... so anyway Santa what about this coal then? I haven't been that bad this year have I?" "Don't tempt me.... But yes I did find it strange that you would ask for coal even if you did spell it C O L E" Santa replied. "Nah that's coz I meant Joe Cole! Y'know! I think he plays for some rich club now!" Harry said. "I'm not a miracle worker" said Santa. "Oi! That's my line!" Harry snapped. "Oh dear.. well I'm afraid that's all you've got from me this year my friend." Santa said. Harry sighed and said "What a shambles this Christmas has been! Almost as bad as my Southampton team! This reminds me of when you visited us 10 years ago Santa when Jamie was 'ere. All he wanted was an England cap!" "And I got him one! A nice hat with the St.Georges cross on it!" Santa said.
There was a pause in the living room for a moment. Harry then said "So is that it for this year then?" "No not quite." Santa said as he handed Harry a tub shaped present with a tag that read:
Dear Harry
Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year
Love Milan
"You must be quite special if a whole city loves you Harry" Santa stated but Harry just sighed and nodded his headed negatively. "Oh before I go one more thing Harry!" Santa handed Harry a fortune cookie and Harry duly cracked it open and unfolded the piece of paper inside. The message stated:
BEWARE FOR YOU WILL SOON RECIEVE GREAT HUMILIATION AND REGRET FROM YOUR OLD FRIENDS FORCING YOU TO RETURN TO YOUR SPIRITUAL HOME
"What.. again!?" Harry said. "Oh sorry Harry.. those cookies are a year out of date. I'm afraid some guy named Mourinho took all of this years' supply. It's a shame because they all wished great fortune and success for the coming year." Santa explained. "Oh well... I guess I'll have to wait 'til next year then. I guess you'll be leaving now." Redknapp said. "Yes I really must go. I have to deliver this rattle and pram to Rupert Lowe before midnight you see. I have already delievered a set to Arsene Wenger, he always breaks his rattles every year so it's almost like tradition! Ho! Ho! ho!" Santa said. "Awight then well I'll seeya next year then." Said Harry. "Of course! I will remember to get a Pompey shirt for you for next Christmas!" Santa said. "Umm.. don't count on it.." Harry said as Santa left the Redknapp Residence and climbed aboard his sleigh. "Well then Harry, it's time for me to go! I would wish you good luck on Boxing Day but my missus supports West Ham so unfortunately I can't! Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Goodbye!"
And in a flash Santa Claus had gone. Harry Redknapp had walked back into his house pondering what had just happened. Harry closed the door and turned out the lights. As he wandered up the stairs with his nightcap on he could hear a voice.. "Darling I think I've found the perfect player. His name is T.Henry and...." "Oh shu'up woman I'm goin' to bed!" Harry interrupted and he made his way to his bed, shut his eyes and was fast asleep ready to prepare for training the following day.
The End