Opposition

Opposition goal of the season
1) Steven Gerrard, Liverpool
2) Thomas Hitzlesberger, Aston Villa
3) Damien Francis, Norwich

Steven Gerrard has made a career out of being able to hit the ball incredibly hard and his free kick at Anfield was just another to add to the collection. A truly unstoppable strike into the top corner from all of thirty yards and I believe it was clocked at 85mph, which is faster than I went in my car back down the M6 post-match, fact fans! Hitzlesberger is another of those who possesses a tremendous strike and, just our luck, wasn't afraid to show it. My shout of "watch out, he can shoot from distance" was ignored for some reason as the ball flew past all and sundry into the top right corner, including a hapless Chalkias who inevitably picked up some of the blame for not diving, catching the ball, running up the other end and scoring. (Make your own jokes about "Blame? That's about the only thing he can pick up"). Francis' goal owed less to power than the other two; one touch to tee it up, another to volley it into the corner and bemuse all at Fratton.

Most abused opposition player
1) Robert Pires, Arsenal
2) El Hadj Diouf, Bolton
3) Nigel Quashie, Southampton

Whilst both Diouf and Quashie got their fair share of stick, it subsided as the game went on. In Diouf's case it was fear in case it inspired him to score again whilst with Quashie we were too busy laughing at his team's "performance". Pires was the victim of a co-ordinated and sustained evening of abuse which just goes to show, you can try and avoid confronting the Fratton crowd - and he did twice last season by being first "injured" and then "rested" - but in the end they WILL get you. And by ducking out, you just make it worse when it eventually comes round.

Unluckiest opposition player
1) Moritz Volz
2) Julian Speroni
3) Rory Delap

Oooh, a good one this, so let's start from the bottom. Delap played ridiculously badly, his team got hammered and just to make matters worse he got a ball in the jaffas at top speed. Speroni was playing behind a truly woeful Palace defence, had to see his side miss a penalty, tipped a shot that was going wide into his own net and then had Popovic execute his own stab at "own goal of the season contender". But no-one comes close to Volz. Hit in the head once so he had to change his shirt, the ball then bounced off the post from a fierce shot and smacked him straight in the face so he had to change his shirt again. Then he fell in the crowd and accidently caught a fan in the process - some thought he had deliberately kicked out so he spent the rest of the evening on the receiving end of serious abuse, whilst wearing his third shirt of the night and with his head bandaged and covered in blood. And his side lost 4-3.

Best opposition player
1) Shaun Wright-Phillips
2) John Terry
3) Xavi Alonso

This was a bit of a toughy since most opposition players tend to blend into "abuse target 1" or "Cheaty McFoul" so I can never remember who does well, but these three stood out. Alonso showed off a fantastic range of passing and no shortage of skill when Liverpool won 2-1 win at Fratton. John Terry lived up to his reputation as "the immovable object" when Chelsea came to town, but top "dawg" (as I believe the kids are saying these days) was Shaun Wright-Phillips. Days after receiving sickening racist abuse on international duty for England against Spain he turned up at Fratton Park and put in a brilliant performance. Admittedly with a helping hand from our defence on occasion, his goal sent City on the way to a win and showed himself as a player of real potential.

Worst opposition player
1) Antti Niemi
2) Kanu
3) Bolo Zenden

Don't get me wrong, Niemi is one of the best keepers in the Premier League. Well, he would be if Southampton hadn't been relegated - ahaha! Forgive me. Anyway, one of my major worries before the derby was just how we'd get past him because, as bad as those playing in front of him were, you can usually rely on him to keep his team in it. Thankfully for us he came storming out and gave away a penalty first, showed complete indecision from a cross second, then to top it off came flying out of his box and got nowhere near the ball for the third. Earlier in the season Kanu was completely rubbish for someone with his reputation and Zenden - for someone allegedly so skillful - was a liability and went completely missing, as so often seems to happen to Boro's big name players whenever they play against us. That's four games and no win for them since we've returned to the Premiership, need I point out.

Most hilariously inept performance from an opposition team at Fratton Park
1) Southampton
2) Crystal Palace
3) Middlesbrough

Ok, so there was only going to be one winner here. The reasons are well documented, but they were brought a whole new meaning to the word "terrible". Elsewhere within this review you can find out just why Palace have their deserved place; missed penalties, own goals, tipping the ball into your own net. If you could make an error in football, Palace were sure to make it and then multiply it by ten on that sad September afternoon. It's actually quite embarrassing we conceded against them, come to think of it. Middlesbrough meanwhile are in there because despite the fact we were more than slightly wobbly in the league and hadn't won in a month and a bit, we STILL beat them. And even though they were 1-0 up at one point as well! Bless 'em.

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